The Birthday Party

my ex- birthday had just passed. i feel so guilty. cause when we're in a relationship, i never give him any surprise. i just gift him maybe couple necklace and maybe a birthday car. unlike his girlfriend now. she celebrates his birthday with all her gangs. she plan all the things that i look as useless thing. but maybe both of them love to celebrates in romantic way. i think she gave him a kiss maybe a hug. just thought about me, never kiss him before, never hug him before. and he just hold my hand in the cinema ONCE. just because both of us are cold. haha. so funny! but they had kiss the 2nd or 3rd month they had already together. so open-minded huh? i dislike. luckily i still have my first kiss, first hug, can i count first holding hand also? cause we didn't old hands in public. cause i dislike. all my first are still with me except y first love. but it's okay. i never regret to consider my first love is puppy love. rather than my 2nd boyfriend be the first. hmmmmm.... alright. oh yeah! my ex- show off about he and she had a French Kiss for maybe 10 minutes? dafuq? don't you feel tired? you're just a secondary student. both of you will regret for being such horny if you all broke up. but luckily i didn't choose him. phew! so, i'm waiting for my 3rd one. perhaps we can last longer? all my friend could wish us truly with their heart. 3 more weeks, the mid-year exam is coming. not yet study all he subjects. will be killed by all the long syllabus i had been long time didn't stay in classroom. so i'm not very clear about all the syllabus. but seriously hope that i won't get fail. SERIOUSLY. i wish i could pass all my subjects..... okay. next. the one that i love seems like love to flirt with his girl friends. i'm so sad. maybe i'm the only one who feel like this. but seriously, i'm hurt. he didn't come to school last week. so i thought i had forget about him. until this week, nothing changed! but i had a feel. that is i feel like he started to look at me again. am i just thought it wrongly.... or that's true?? seriously i don't know. i knew that we're IMPOSSIBLE. but please lend me some time. i had use 10 months to forget my ex-. almost half year i had starring at you. maybe i just need to use another 10 months or more than 10 months to forget him. pity myself. i knew. i shouldn't waste my time on the wrong person. but there should appear a right person to me so that i won't pay all my attention on the wrong person. so.... to my mr.right, are you ready to stand in front of me? 

April Already....

oh my god. so fast.... today is the second week of April already. feel like so unbelievable. my form 4 life has started 4 months already. but i still can't catch up the academics. i have to work harder. cause my mid year exam coming soon. unfortunately, choir have performance during may. maybe will disturb my time to study. but i strongly believe that, i could did my best in exam later. something i feel happy cause i had download korean typing. ten i could type in korean. haha. but the difficulty i met is i couldn't memorize every position of alphabet on my keyboard. my keyboard doesn't show me that. so sometime i just need to try every button to get the correct one. take a quite long to type. you see! i typed this! 안녕 하새오 ! 내가 황쟈이임니다! hello! i'm XXX!!!something sad happen! he changes to cadet police from taekwando ITF. and i just think. is it because of me? i so wish that he won't change. that's the only chance i could get closer to him. but he just disappoint me... maybe i should really totally forget about him. why am i so stupid? i already know that he already fed up on me? why i still want act like this huh? suffer..... can we? can we start over all again huh? can we just text like last time? can you call me? can we have eye contact once again? can you just tell me that you love me? can you tell your friends that you love me? then your friends will just call my name when they saw me? can we hang out like last time? can we watch movie? can you treat me ice-cream? can you say  me that i'm beautiful, i'm hot, i'm cute, i'm smart? can you compose 1 more song for me? can you sing and play guitar in front of me? can you look at me? can you just ask my friend do not scold at me or play on me or bully me? can you fight with other boys when you know that they like me? can you ask me whether the another like me or not? can you ask me to say i love you to you? can you know that i still can't forget you? can you know that i miss you? can you know that i'm falling in love with you? can you know that i'm regret with the decision i did? can you know that i always act like i don't care about you? can you know that i'm so suffer when you suddenly do not appear in my life anymore? can you notice that i still care about you? lots of 'can you....?' right? haha. so funny. it's too late, and i know it. the time can't return. and you will always be deeply in my heart until someday maybe i drunk? and i'll say it out all. i know. I LEAVE YOU WITHOUT ANY REASON, SO THAT I WON'T COME BACK WITH AN EXCUSE. the last can we that i want to say is CAN WE JUST MEET LIKE FIRST DAY WE MET AGAIN? and then, maybe i'll try to avoid this thing happen.  then i won't be suffer. the 2nd boy i'm suffering with...
 

A Book...

i read a book these few days... i not yet finish reading but i had already learnt many things from that book. and i just read for only 1/5 of that book. i like the author. this is the 2nd book that i have that written by him! seriously, the quote is nice! i love it very much. one of it is, IF YOU LIKE A PERSON, BUT YOU'RE SAD BECAUSE OF HIM, JUST STOP LIKING HIM, PLEASE DO NOT CHANGE TO LOVE FROM LIKE, YOU'LL REGRET. the Jungshin, unfortunately, he gave me sadness because he didn't even notice about me. i'll just try to forget him. i wish i'm not going to turn to love. i feel so true when i read this quote. it lets me thought about that indian guy. actually i just like him before that.... after a long time, likeness had already changed. it changed. it changed quietly without my permission. without i knowing. that's why i'm suffer. it had changed to love. so suffer. so sad... i feel so regret... ya... I JUST TURN MY HEAD BACK NOW, BUT I JUST REALIZE THAT IT WAS TOO LATE. EVERYTHING WAS HAPPENED IN A SECOND. TIME IS NEVER WAIT FOR YOU. never mind, i'll just let it go. let everything go. let nothing be my side until one day, he comes to me. to my 'he', you'll come for me, right? okay. i'll just wait for you and see. and, I ACCIDENTALLY COUGH BY THE DUST. BUT LUCKILY, I DIDN'T COUGH BY MY MEMORIES, IF NOT, I'LL JUST DIE IN THE PAST. please never! never let the past to influence you doing anything or making any decisions! do it or make it follow your truly heart! you'll never regret! trust me! it's time now. TO MY PAST, I'LL JUST FORGET ABOUT YOU AND DISAPPEAR FROM THERE. TO MY FUTURE, I'M NOW READY.

What Should I Do??

how???? eotteoke?? what should i do now? i'm so blank? on facebook, don't know want to stalk who. on twitter, don't know what to tweet. hate this type of life. lifeless! my heart always say must do finish all the homework. only my heart says to me. no motivation. no action. muscles doesn't want to do. how? hate! but i'll just keep trying being a hardworking people! i want to get good result! i want to be a perfect girl. the most problem that i met is. i gained my weight! i'm going to do a lot a lot a lot a lot of exercise! i'll eat less carbohydrate. and eat more proteins. you know why? body burns carbohydrates then oils and proteins to require more energy. if i eat lots of carbohydrates, it has less chance to burn my fats and oils! i have a plan! do exercise every sunday! i'm going to jog with my parents early in the morning. then, i'll go for badminton, then gym then swimming. i'm sure that i'll loss my weight. then, i'll do sit up whenever i'm free. i must do on the bed.. if i do on the floor, my backbone will very pain. i tried! seriously can't do it. next i want to say is, my school's Jungshin seems like didn't notice about me..... so sad.....

Forget...

i'm so scared now. i scared because i was feel like myself changed a lot. i had forgot how to smile happily. i miss when i was young. no need to think and solve those fucking crazy problems! i forgot how to cry. 2 years ago, i cried easily. i can drop my tears without 20 seconds! but now. you give me 20 minutes also cannot...... so sad! i forgot how to shout. maybe i want to prove to everyone that i'm a strong girl. so that, never shout in front of anyone. that's why everyone thought that i'm so strong. i never cried in front of people for 3 years. the last time was when i fall down at school. and it was really pain. but after that, no one saw me cry again. how? argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! any solution to solve this problem? just like physics or mathematics. i'm sure there's a formula! there's a solution! help me to find out the solution please! i'm so suffer!!!!!

Maybe?

ya. i used 1 10 months to forget my ex-. and i used 6 months to forget him. now, i have a new target here. he looks like CN Blue's Jungshin. all my friends say so. did i feel it wrongly? did he also starring at me sometimes? haha! maybe i just think too much. if it's real, i hope that we can last long. i think i know that he's quite a good boy. he's so quiet. he loves his family very much as his facebook photos are most of is family! he's tall! he's smart! he's handsome! he's fit! did i told that Jungshin is my one of the ideal type. i never expect that such a perfect person will appear in front of me. in school, sometimes we just met with so sudden.  i think he never expect it too. don't know? i just feel that maybe he have some feeling to me. but never told his friends unlike me, all y friends knew about that. whenever he walk across me, my friends will just shout out my name loudly! so embarrassing! i pray hard to God, hope that he could like me, he could love. because of him, i only can use 6 month to forget the indian guy. if not, i need another person to let me forget about him. at first when i saw him, i just feel that he extremely looks like Jungshin. and after that, i don't know what's happening. suddenly, go for recess just because of him. always starring at him so that he could look at me. but sometimes he really did. MAYBE. maybe i fall in love with him already. but i never want to speak to him or want to act something in front of him, not because i don't want. it's because that i know what's the ending. i know that there's no ending there! that's why. i just look at him so silently..... silently.... 

Let Go...

i am so sad. i am so moody. as a human, i think i should learn something. i should let go something or someone. if not, i was just like now, such an useless female. what should i do now? i cried. i cried because of you. i went to watch movie with my friends. the day before i go, i prayed hardly to God so that i could see you on that day. the God heard what i say. i saw you after the movie had end. i was really damn happy. i can't let my friends know that i love you. to see you more clearly, i ask my friends to walk faster. you saw me. but i act like didn't saw you. i walk so fast behind you. until you're going down, my friend ask me to wait for other friends. before that i saw a new her walking with you. at first, i thought you watch it yourself. unfortunately, you have a new her accompany you. i was so moody after that. maybe the God just want us to look at each other, but not meet. then, you're then far away from me already. until the 2nd floor, i just want to chase after you. but you're just like disappear. seriously, i couldn't find you. and i was just like so suffer when i saw you and her. and then when i go back home, i just keep telling myself that, i just too miss you, that's why i couldn't find him afterwards. he was just my imagination. until today, my friend asked me see whether i saw him and maybe his girlfriend sit at couple seat? my heart broke. actually i don;t expect that they saw him. how i know that, she would asked me such question? and of course she don't now the relationship between me and him. and, i learnt a lesson. NEVER LET HIM GO WHEN HE IS HOLDING YOU THIS IS BECAUSE YOU CAN'T LET HIM GO AFTER HE HAD LET GO OF YOU. i need  friend who can really understand my situation now. i'm so suffer. i'm so hurt. i'm so sad. i'm just crying.... lend me some time please. i'm not such a forgetful person. that's why i used 1 year to forget my ex-. i watched a drama. the lady is regret because she doesn't want to admit that she loves him after the guy let go of her. i was just like the lady. the guy likes him so much until one day, the guy left her. but luckily, they're together in the end. of course i know this is just a drama. and i would never have such ending like them. that is why.... it is the time for me to say goodbye to him. GOODBYE, KJAAN....